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Helping yourself whilst IN THE SITUATION

By Lina Jan


There is a great deal of literature out there about leadership. About what makes a leader, about the qualities a leader should hold, and about leadership development. However, most of this literature – be it in professional, sector-specific publications or academia – is approaching the issue from a very Western reductionist, cognition-based perspective. Emotional intelligence and ‘self-awareness’ are frequently featured in this literature, but they, too, are mainly approached from a cognitive perspective.


I will try to explain what I mean by ‘cognition-based’ and ‘cognitive-perspective’. I will do that using the context of interpersonal relationships, such as interactions with employees, other leaders or any stakeholders, really. In short, in leadership and management development effort, leaders are taught specific strategies, such as reframing the situation, i.e., trying to look at something from a different angle or, at the very least, considering the possibility of various angles. They may be taught particular linguistic strategies, both to assist in reframing the situation (not limited to interpersonal) and for communicating with and to others. All of these are cognitive strategies. They are, without a doubt, effective.


However, there are a couple of problems with the current approach to leadership development, which often renders the whole exercise somewhat moot. Firstly, for all those strategies to be applied successfully and sustainably the person in question needs to be able to really understand and appreciate the WHY and the HOW.


For example, if someone feels disrespected, why would they be willing or open to ‘reframing the situation’? From the evolutionary psychology point of view, the felt sense of perceived disrespect will put them in a defensive position. Disrespect is an ‘attack’, if you will. On a semi-subconscious level, it is threatening one’s survival. Therefore, the appropriate physiological reactions, readying the organism to either fight, flee or freeze, kick in, such as temporarily diverting the blood supply to the organs, such as large muscles. This diversion and re-focusing of resources also lead to narrowed thinking, which means the person’s focus is on, say, defending themselves. The parts of the brain responsible for one’s survival overpower the other parts; therefore, critical and abstract thinking becomes somewhat impaired, making the person unable to appreciate the ‘broader picture.’


Returning to the original point of the sustainability of applying the learnt strategies, one needs to know the basics of human psychology. Suppose you do not know – or are unable to appreciate – how differently we, individual humans, perceive the same thing (from colors to situations) and think that everyone perceives the world the same. In that case, we naturally assume that if that person did things differently from how we instructed them, they did it intentionally, wanting to ‘wrong’ us. Whereas if you have the basic knowledge about how perception works, it will allow you to appreciate that maybe that person did not, in fact, do things differently because they couldn’t care less about what you told them, but simply because they understood things differently to how you meant them. This ability to appreciate this fact will enable the person to willingly and openly give the ‘benefit of the doubt’ rather than flipping or, in the long-term worse scenario, apply a particular communication strategy through gritted teeth whilst feeling like punching the nearest wall. When strategies and instruction are used without the full appreciation of the why and the how, it will not only be felt – and appropriately responded to – as inauthentic on the receiving end, but, in the long term, will lead to all sorts of health problems for the leader in question. To try and illustrate what I mean and how it works, ask yourself the following question: ‘For how long can I sustain saying ‘yes’ when my whole body is screaming ‘no’? We are all familiar with those bodily manifestations of perceived injustice, having been (or perceived) wronged, disrespected, etc. Tension in our shoulders, imbalanced, shallower breathing, the ‘foggy’ brain cloud, and different levels of indigestion, to name but a few. If we cannot align how we feel with the actions that are required of us, and vice versa, how long will it be sustainable in terms of our health? And then, inevitably, there’s a ripple effect on the people you ought to lead, the organization as a whole, and those close to you.


Following from that, until the leadership development programs begin to address this gap, my advice would be to go out of your way and familiarize yourself with the basic science of human psychology. Start with perception science. YouTube is a rich place to start; there are thousands of videos where science is conveyed in a very accessible way. Why? Primarily for your own wellbeing. The rest will fall into place. Another aspect that I do not see addressed enough in the space of sustainable leadership is ‘self-regulation’. There’s a lot of talk about ‘self-awareness’, which is, indeed, paramount. However, the problem is that it is talked about, but leaders aren’t extensively taught HOW to become self-aware and, more importantly, what to do with that thing you became aware of.


Also, again, there’s a good amount of attention paid to cognition-based self-awareness tools but very little to body-based self-awareness. If I asked you where that tension in your shoulders starts, where it travels, and how it disperses, would you be able to trace it confidently? Or if I asked you to explain where exactly that frustration in the pit of your stomach sits, would you be able to describe it? Often, we even lack the vocabulary to really name what it is that we are feeling and sensing. This is not some ‘woo stuff’ and should not be overlooked or underestimated. So, this was the awareness part. But, as I already mentioned, what do we do with that thing we become aware of? Not tomorrow or next week or in a couple of years when maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to assign some time to it. What do we do with it whilst IN THE SITUATION?


How do you align how you feel with what you have to do? You can now call upon that knowledge you gained about perception and see if you can reframe the situation there and then. Rather than assume, ask a question to help yourself understand. If you cannot understand, search inside yourself to see if you can accept it. You’ll be surprised how freeing accepting something, even when you cannot understand, feels. It won’t be easy, but it will become easier if you practice. They say that for a reason. With practice, it will literally rewire your brain to the point where it becomes your new default.


But what do we do with the remnants of those physiological manifestations of the initially perceived stress? The good news is that they will automatically subside once you change your own perception (by being able to truly appreciate how the other person saw the situation). Still, they might take a while to go away. And, over time, those remnants accumulate. There are plenty of techniques to be used on the physiological side of stress, but some are handier than others when it comes to applying them IN THE SITUATION vs later ‘when there’s time’. Again, YouTube is a good and free place to start. But it’s also good to understand how your chosen technique works; it helps sustain the effort that might otherwise feel tedious. My favorite technique for the IN SITUATION is consciously breathing out at double the length of the in-breath.


For example, if you’re breathing in to the count of four, try breathing out to the count of eight. It is easier to do if, on the breath in, you first start filling your stomach and, once it’s full, up into the chest, and then on the breath out, you do it in reverse order, i.e., first consciously let the air out of your chest and then, once it is empty, out of the stomach. If you do this now as you read, you’ll notice how much mindful attention it requires when you first start practicing it. You will notice how this sustained attention on the breath will have temporarily made the chatter in your mind fade away. It gives you some respite. That’s one of the benefits. The other benefit and mechanism at play – which are less consciously perceptible – are the workings of our autonomic nervous system, as recounted by Mason and Birch in the 2019 edition of ‘Yoga for Mental Health’.

While every detail of this mechanism isn’t currently known, it has been observed that a longer out-breath kicks our parasympathetic nervous system into action. This is the system that is usually most active when we are resting. Some call it ‘rest and digest’. In contrast, the sympathetic system is active when we are readying for action (as is usually the case when a stressor is perceived). These two systems aren’t typically active together; in simple terms, it’s either one or another that is active. So when we perceive a stressor, the sympathetic nervous system kicks in, readying us for action. If we then start breathing in the way I described earlier – the out-breath, ideally, should be double the length of the in-breath, but if you cannot do that at first, as long as it is somewhat longer, it still helps – the ‘rest and digest’ side of the system kicks in and interrupts the stress-response system. It breaks the potentially vicious cycle. I shared this geeky bit because understanding it helps me sustain the effort and the willingness to employ this strategy to help myself. I wanted to share this in case some readers want a deeper understanding to help them sustain their efforts.


This breathing technique can be resorted to whilst in the situation to help yourself. Leadership, if we are to make it sustainable for all parties but, in particular, for the leaders themselves, really does begin with self-leadership. And self-leadership starts with, first and foremost, recognizing that we are, like the word or hate it, holistic beings. But it’s really up to you whether the initial effort is worth it.


Reference


Birch, K. & Mason, H. (2019). Yoga for Mental Health. Handspring Publishing.

 

Lina Jan is a trauma-informed psychologist, certified life and performance coach and NeuroDynamic® breathwork facilitator. She founded a sustainable leadership training and coaching company, Redefine & Rewire, through which she, among other things, is on a mission to redefine the foundation on which the currently prevailing attitudes towards leadership and self-leadership rest.

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